Dealing With The Unexpected (Part 3): So Close But So Far

Here I am, sitting in the same spot I wrote the very first blog in this series, the day after I broke my leg. Right now, all I want to do is run and jump around, which is not something I was interested in at all when both of my legs were functional. I suppose the saying “we only want what we can’t have” may have some truth to it. 

Life has been alright. I’ve been keeping myself busy in various ways and trying to make the most of my time stuck sitting down with only my computer to keep me company.

I’ve been watching A LOT of Game of Thrones (I know I’m late to the party, but at this point, I have accepted this as one of my character traits) with my partner. Oh, and I’ve been going on a short daily crutch (the crutches version of walking).

The thing is that there’s no such thing as a leisurely walk when you are on crutches. After about five minutes of walking, I am out of breath and my shoulders and palms are burning. I wake up every morning with sore palms from having to push down on those uncomfortable rubber hand grips. 

Don’t get me started on stairs… Especially going down them! Alright, I’m done complaining. I know that in half a year, this whole experience will just be a blip in my memory. I’ve promised myself that once I am healed and healthy, I will take every opportunity to go outdoors. 

Even though I’ve been trying to stay positive, it’s hard not to feel disconnected. Most of my socializing took place at the gym during my climbing sessions, so now that I am unable to climb, I’m basically only interacting with my direct family, a few close friends, and my boyfriend. I’ve never been much of a social butterfly but I do like being around and connecting with others.

This time reminds me of when I was recovering from my eating disorder a couple of years ago (I can’t believe it’s already been that long). I took time off from training which was devastating because, at the time, climbing was my sole identity. Specifically, I placed my self-worth in my strength and relatively fast progression. It felt as though all the work I had put into my training for years had been thrown out the window. As though I had lost everything that made me feel accepted by others.

After months of seeing a decline in my performance while I was working on nourishing my deprived body and finding my health again, things finally started looking up. Slowly but surely, and in no linear fashion, my strength came back and I was less self-conscious about how others perceived me. I even felt stronger than my smaller self on and off the wall.

When I started climbing, I only saw the sport through a physical lens. I believed more physical strength equaled better climbing performance. So post-recovery, I went back to training my ass off. I even got a membership at a separate free weights gym because I was afraid of what my climbing friends might think of my changed body.

It took a long time before I was comfortable training and climbing in front of others again, and even longer before I realized nobody gives a shit about how strong/weak I am, how my body looks, or how hard I climb. I finally learned climbing is about mental strength before it is about physical strength. Without a strong mind, you cannot truly push your limits because your thoughts are actively working against you.

It is difficult when this negative type of thinking becomes a pattern. Habits are extremely hard to break. You need to become acutely aware of what thoughts are bringing you closer to your goals versus which ones are holding you back. The reality is that we are never going to reach the perfect mindset (it doesn’t exist) but the most important thing is that we adopt a growth mindset and learn to trust ourselves. That is when we will flourish.

Anyway, I recently learned that although I’ll be able to walk in about 2 weeks, it has to be in the boot… Then in about a month, I can walk without the boot. I will not be able to boulder for another 2 months since bones usually take 3 to 6 months to get back to full strength, so falling is risky. I guess I will have to be a top-rope and autobelay gal for a little while longer.